confusion247's Diaryland Diary

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To '06

So...

I haven't written in this in a while, so I doubt that people can even read it. BUT, I started this journal on New Years Day of my...mmm freshman year of high school. Fucking weird to think that was four years ago now.

I can't even write about the year as if it were one year. It was like twelve there were so many different parts, so many different friends, so many different everything.

Ending Senior year was:
.Being sober
.Never going to class
.Barely graduating
.Not even applying to college because I knew I wouldn't have my shit together in enough time to go
.Not dating anyone
.Fucking around with a lot of people
.Hanging out with Larn, Amanda, Jake, Angel, and an occasional Vicki
.Falling hardcore for Eric and treating him like shit without realizing it
.Becoming closer to my family
.Not talking to my dad
.Having a shitty role in the musical because I can't sing
.Spending rediuclous amounts of hours at School so that I could be remebered as "one of the production greats" (bullshit)
.Caring less about music
.Not getting into trouble
.Smoking a lot of cigarettes
.Going to prom with one of the most gorgous girls I've ever known
.Not talking to anyone from Clarksville
.Pretending to be someone else, or maybe being me, I don't know, being different from the past few years

Summer of 2005 was:
.Going to about 7 days worth of graduation parties and hanging out with the cool g'town kids who I didn't really know all that well but pretended I did
.Going to Germany and breaking every rule along the way
.Being an alcoholic to the nth degree (or what I thought was)
.Fooling around with a lot of people
.Ditching Sara
.Finding jobs
.Starting to hang out with all the CLarksville kids again because they all moved to my city
.Hanging out with Jake and Angel every single day
.Doing CCC all the time
.Getting caught shoplifting...again...
.Still not talking to my dad
.Breaking my moms heart by being a "bad" kid again
.Becoming closer to my family again
.Party's at Sara's apt.
.Re-meeting Rachel for what seemed like the first time
.Not going to Clarksville but once
.Spending time with my brother
.Staying out too late
.Finding a job
.Discovering coccaine
.Moving out of the house

The "fall semester" of 2005 was:
.Moving into the Philly House
.Orange Zimas and East Pkwy
.Vanilla Vodka and Socco
.Third Eye Blind
.Listening to a lot of music again
.Working 7 days a week
.Ernie Phun, Lil Tank, and Ging
.Becoming friends with Brandon again
.Missing my family
.Feeling like a failure for not being in school
.Being a true alcoholic
.Being a true coke head
.Changing my hair
.Gaining the best friends I could ever ask for
.Losing the best friends I guess I never really had
.Jorge
.Trying to date again but not really
.Being there for my friends
.Sara Estes and CK's
.Saying fuck off shows
.Being a shoulder to cry on
.Becoming truely independent
.Being a complete fuck up
.Getting arrested in Waverly the day before Thanksgiving
.Partys out the frame
.Becoming a group again
.Pie in the Fucking Sky
.Central Liquor
.The Bridge
.Being in my first movie
.Pretending
.Lemonheads
.Being a downy
.Rolling for the first time (this thing could really be dedicated to all the drugs I've done thus far in four monthes)
.Being the man of the house
.Living the past so I can finally let go of it
and of course
.Rachel Brunet

This year was completely unexpected. I don't know what I was supposed to expect but it was anything other than what it was. Not that I mind. It was a good year. I've grown more in the past year than I have in the past 18 years. I'm ready for 2006...

Resolutions? I don't really know. I hate making these because things change and they can't always apply. I do however know that I would like to be able to breathe like a human being should be able to, so I'm cutting back smoking and eventually quitting (I'm sure I'll have one every now and then, at partys and shit, but not as a habit). I have to quit spending money on drugs. I enjoy them,

BUT

"It's not a party if it happens every night"

enough said. I've become an alocholic. Not a bad one, but one to where I drink everyday to where I'm trying to be drunk. I'm tired of it. I only drink because I'm so unhappy, and I'd be happy if I wouldn't always be fucked up.

I'm not quiting drugs, I'm not quiting drinking. But I'm quiting my dependency on all of the above. I can't afford it.

The only thing I know for sure about this upcoming year is that I'm moving. I'm moving to New York City in March. I have the jobs and I'll have the money and I have the drive. I don't know what'll happen from there, but I'm sure I won't see it coming. Every day is a new day, and there are so many different periods in a persons life. The hard thing is going to be letting go of all the friends I have. I think everything happens for a reason and the reason all the people I always wanted to be close to moved here was so I could let go of them. If they hadn't I'd probably be trying to follow them. I love them all to death, but no one can live for other people, even if they don't know they're doing it.

So here's to you 2006, here's to moving to NYC, here's to a lot of tears, maybe some heartbreak, here's to a lot of laughs, and uncertainty. I won't want to trade a minute of you.

Everyone be positive, always look for the best, and own it. Good luck to everyone else too, I love it all.

xoxo

6:44 p.m. - 2006-01-04

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