confusion247's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm a doosh. It's amazing how you can fuck up some things so many times. I lead everyone on, but there is the persons or person that I'm really not leading on. THe person that I just can't let myself date out of fear. I don't want to be attatched again. I don't want to fall in love. I don't want to deal with heartbreak, and going off to college. I know we'd last a lifetime. I feel like I could fall in love agian, but I don't want to let myself because in my mind love is only supposed to be possible with one person and then you're through with it and everyone else is just there because you still need someone. But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe love is possible with more then one person. Or maybe I just still haven't really fallen in love. I thought Shelley was love and the fact that it has taken this long to get over her (and I sometimes think I still am), I thought all that constituted as love. I thought I was in love because we were together a long time and I cared about her a lot. But maybe it wasn't love. Maybe I'm not about to go fall in love again. Who knows, who cares. I can't deal with it. Love is for losers. I've been leading on three girls, sometimes four or five. Two of them I thought I wasn't really leading on. I really thought something could happen, and it could. But with the one girl, she's a fairy tale, in the perfect world we would work together. but the fact that I do do drugs, and drink, and hang out with a totally different crowd, and party changes things a lot. As selfish as it seems, I'm not willing ot give all of that up just yet. I'm still in high school and want to do those things without looking at as a terrible person. I want to be able to tell sometime "I stole a scarf last night" and not be judged for it. She's always always there for me and I'd be dead without her. And I guess in someways she's supposed to tbe the best friend, and a relationship would ruin it I think...We would work in the perfect world, but it's not a perfect world, and we don't get a fairy tale ending. The other girl...she's always been there for me through all the shit. Even if it wasn't obvious. She was always there waiting when I had to go through everything in order to decide what I wanted. She stood up even during all the heartbreak and anguish I must have caused her. She's the girl I care for all year around and don't have to convince myself that I do like her. I just know I do, and feel it. I know who I want to be with, and I know we would last so long and make each other so happy. I just know we would. And I wouldn't fuck up with her. I know what I want or need or whatever you want to say. I just have to let myself have it. And I will. Just give me time, please, it won't be long until I'm ready and can handle it and won't have to hurt you anymore. I heart you... hearts, Danny. 8:46 a.m. - 2003-12-23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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