confusion247's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Anything and Everything. I suck and haven't updated in a while. But it's hard to write from your heart when your heart has been telling you something different every day. It gets confusing. I don't know what my problem is lately. I've been depressed as hell and have had no one to talk to. I'd talk to Eula, but she has too much on her plate right now to take anything from mine. I feel so bad for her, she's always so busy, never gets a break. She holds up her grades and never falters when it comes to production. I wish I could be more like that. Instead I'm failing English, H. Algebra II, US History, and Chemistry. Wow, every class except Production. Way to go Danny. I was supposed to stop by Eulas tonight but couldn't bring myself to keep her up any later than she needed to be. I really don't know what it is. I think it's this time of the year. My mood often swaggers with whatever the season it is. I guess I'm "more fleeting then the fall" in the words of Saves the Day. Girls have been confusing the hell out of me, and I'm sure I"m doing the same to them, school I've been falling behind in hardcore, production everything was great until I realized I didn't know what happened to my grade contract, I accidently took it home one day and havent' seen it since, so now I'm filling out 9 weeks worth of work. I don't even know what I did most of those days. And the suckiest thing is that I worked my ass off in that class this nine weeks. I don't even know when I was at rehearsals or performances or anything else. I'm screwed to say the least. And I can't find my rehearsal schedule to fill it in. Oh well, nothing I can do about it. I just have to fill in generic crap and hope he knows I do more than what's on that sheet. So I guess I'm going to vent about each thing that's been bothering me. Girls. God, I do not know what I want anymore. There are a lot of different people I Could be with if I wanted, and I'm not saying I don't want to be with them, it just depends on my mood. For example one day I'll want let's say "Cindy" because that's what mood I'm in and I'm with her at the time, then the next day I'm hanging out with "Michelle" and want to be with her. Does this make any sense? It's all about how I'm feeling that day. I don't mean it like that, it's just, I have so many different "faces" that it changes often. Vicki told me the other night in the car that I go for girls that don't normally fool around or even like boys that often, I get them attatched to me and then I go back to them whenever I feel like it because i know I can. This is terrible, but I realized today it was kind of true. I don't mean to, I think it's more of a subconscience thing. I'm dating someone now, just casually, but I'm afraid she's going to get the impressiong that I'm looking to settle down. When I'm not because I know if I do I'll just end things after a few days. That's what I did to Layne. I think a big thing is the people I really do care for live so far away and I can't find those people here. Shelley. I don't know about her, it seems like whenever I don't like anyone I just "fall back" on her, not relaly fall back, I guess I just realize that my feelings for her haven't changed any. Everything is all about layers. Shelley's on the top layer then get's covered by someone and I don't have to think about her. Remove the layers and you reveal what feeling is actually there to stay. Then there's Amy. Honestly if Amy lived in Germantown, Tn I probably would have proposed to her and asked her to run away with me to California next week. It's weird to think you have a soul mate when you're sixteen but she really is mine. I must admit it kind of scares me to know that I have such intense feelings for someone who I haven't seen in over a year and a half. The last time I saw her was her 16th birthday party during the summer of my Freshmen year. ::sigh:: I miss her like crazy, but I'm seeing her In a bout a week or two. I'm going to cry when I see her, and I'm not kidding. She's just so real, and so...perfectly imperfect. Of course she is unatainable seeing as how she lives in Georgia. She wants to be an artist, how perfect is that? I want to go to college by her. I hate relationships, and girls, and eveyrthing that comes along with them. Vicki and Angel also explained to me that in girl language me being straight forward and saying "I'm only lookign to casually date right now, I don't want to settle down." means "I want to casually date for a few days then get married" It's kind of true. Vicki's like the girl I go to whenever I need advice on girls. She's suppsoed to go up to Clarksville with me on my next trip. Which means she will meet Amy. If she can go. I guess all of this goes hand in hand with being a 16 year old male. School. I'm not even associating school with Production here. I'm failing English, and probably my other three classes as well. I think in H. Algebra II she'll give me a break and pass me with a C. But as for Chemistry I apparently have a 69, which I can bring up once I do this project and take a vocabulary quiz. US History I'm sure he'll let me pass because I'm the only one in there who actually pays attention, I just don't do the homework. I'm going to talk to him about it tomorrow. English though. Man oh man. I don't do any work in there, ever. I didn't do my reading log, or my vocabualry, or two papers. What the fuck is wrong with me? I just assumed it would be okay because I don't think things through. Each time I didn't turn something in I just thought "well, it's only one assignment." But all of them added up because I forgot "Oh yeah! I didn't turin the last assignment either" everything I do in there I get a good grade on, but then I don't do anything. I'm not dumb, I'm far from it, but I just don't ever apply myself. I think the main reason I'm falling so far behind is because i need a break so very badly. That's where this Christmas break is going to help out like crazy. I'm really looking forward to it. I have to get out of here and head up to Clarksville. I have to see all of my friends. I have to be on my own for a while. I ahve to. Otherwise I think I'll kill myself. I'm not sure if that's meant figuratively or literally. Probably figureatively. I'm just so sick of doing the same thing everyday at school. It all seems so pointless. Of course all of those teachers are all about it, but I would be too if I taught the same thing year after year after year...I think that's what I want to do actually, teach. I'm really concidering it. I of course want to be a big actor, but at the same time, I'd love to be a teacher. Elementary school though. Preferably like kindergarten. Think about how impressionable kids are at that age. Imagine if from that young of an age regardless of homelife we could sculp them into happy people. I'm sure if I had good elementary school teachers I'd look at things much differently today. Plus a lot of kids have a rough homelife believe it or not. Even at that age. If it's not because they're being beat or neglected or yelled out it's because they're watching it go on in there house. I feel terrible that my little brother and sister had to watch my parents treat my older brother and sister and I the way they did. I kind of thing that every group of kids should have the same teacher from kindergarten up to 5th grade. Just build on everything. I really think that would be amazing, but then the kids stuck with the bad teachers would have it even worse I suppose...That's enough of my rambling on about that though. Production. As I right that word I feel like I'm writing a script based on the worst and best years of my life. Which they are. On the one hand high school is supposed to be the best years of your life and I wish like hell I could have a normal high school life but on the other hand I know I'm doing something unique and living just like every other high schooler. Partying, staying out late, getting in trouble, ect. I work my ass of in there. Last year I was a big slacker but this year i Know I pull my own weight. We do a lot in there and I'm given a lot. Not nearly as much as Eula or Sera or anyone but as much as I should be able to handle. I'm up there late, I do everything I can. Normally. But lately I've been leaving as early as possible, slacking off on everything. My grade contract is just one of the many things. But I guess that's just me. I have my ups and my hardcore downs. I love the class though, I really do. I just get so tired of it. And I know I don't have it anywhere near as bad as soemone like Sera, but it still is pretty bad sometimes. I wish I could just be more like Patrick or someone and hold everything up. I'll be in this class for three periods next year. I hope it's worth it. Friends. I know I have a very very large amount of friends. I make them and keep them easily. I love them all. But the other day in class I was bored and went to write a note and realized I didn't really have anyone to write it to. Sure there's Vicki, or Angel, or Layne, or Eula, or Cara. And they're all great friends. But, what do I really have to say? Not much of anything, especially in a note, but it seems like it should have came so much easier. In Germantown alone I have two of the best friends anyone could ask for, Eula and Caiden. But at the same time it's not the same as it was in Clarksville with Nan or Brandon or Rachel, or anyone. It's great and I wouldn't trade it ever ever ever ever in a billion gazillion years. And i love them jsut as much as anyone in Clarksville or anywhere else, but, well, I don't know. I can't explain it. I need to break free. Soon. I need to figure out what it is I want in life, and go for it. Because if not, then what's the point in living? Friends are the only reason I'm still alive today. Honestly, if it wasn't for Eula last year I would have killed myself. I really would have. There would have been nothign to convince me other wise, not even Nan or Brandon seeing as how they live in Clarksville and always seem just as troubled as I am. I haven't talked to Nan in such a long time. God i miss her. If I were home in time more often I would call her. I have feeling that when I go up there for Christmas Break there'll be no seperating us. I want to sleep in my van a lot over the break. I don't want to depend on anyone else. Not every night of course because I need nights of staying up and talking for hours about nothing. But some nights park in the Winn Dixie parking lot, lock all the doors, pretend the van is my home, and crawl onto the bed and fall asleep. It'd be awesome. And hopefully some nights CJ or someone will crash with me. Not in that way of course, but just to have someone to keep me company in my quest to be alone. "I'm never alone, I'm alone all the time" I guess that's the best way to describe it. Even though I want to be myself, I want someone to be with me while I'm by myself. If that makes sense. Or maybe I just want to feel like I'm in on all of this with osmeone else, Brandon once stole this old postcard for me which I keep to this day that says "We're all in all for each other" Which I think says it best. I just want to know I'm not in this thing called life alone. My biggest fear is being alone. I don't know what that can be traced to, or even if it can be traced to anything, but I know I can't stand this empty feeling that i Have right now. Maybe it's not my friends or girls or school or anything, I just feel so empty, all the time, and I don't know that I'll ever find anything to fill that emptiness or if I'm even supposed to find anything. Who knows, maybe a person can never be at 100%, there's always that 5 or 10% of them missing. A person is always on a quest to fill that missing link and I suppose that's a persons fuel for living. That's what jets them forward in life, that need to fill it and not die until they do. I don't know if people die because they've found it or because they've given up. I hope it's not because they've given up. And I hope I never do. I want to die at 100%, nothing missing. I doubt that's possible though. My mom's really depressed lately too. I think it's something about the holidays that always makes a person feel this way. or at least in my family. My mom lost her mom two days before Christmas, it's always a tuogh time. She lost her dad fourteen monthes later. My sister moved out on terrible terms, my brother did the same. He really screwed up his life. I know my mom kind of holds herself responsible. Then he moved back in and I think she flet better about herself, like she wasn't as big of a failure as parent because she was still kind of controlling his life. I can't really explain it. But now he's moving up to Michigan to get a job at Ford with my dad. I think she feels like she failed and so he's trying out my dad. I don't want her to feel that way about me. I think after the last fight we had on the Monday Massacre she realized a lot of stuffa bout herself concidering I was blunter than I ever care to be again as long as I live. She really is a good person on the inside, or at least tries. A big reason for her alcoholism is depression, which makes no sense concidering alcohol is a depressant. But to each his or her own I suppose. I just don't want her to feel like she failed with me. Because she didn't. I think I'm a really good person on the inside, and people except me for it, it's just I have a lot baggage with me. Another reason I try to avoid being truely close with anyone. No one wants to deal with it all, I think that was a big problem with shelley. She didn't care enough about me to deal with it all. Which is sad, but expected. That's how a lot of people are, even friends. They'll drop you when they realize that they can't be totally selfish and drop all there problems on you. I like being a listener or advice giver, because I've been through almost any circumstance. I think my dad feels like a failure too. But how could anyone blaim him? Not to say he is a failure, but I guesshe kind of is. In the words of The Central Standards "Now Dad you're a success, but not inside where it really counts...you make big plans and buy new cars, but miss me slipping away. I miss being your little boy..." I remember when I was his "Little Daniel Lee" and every bad thing he did I would just excuse because I didn't know any better, and everything was simple. But now it's different, I see things how they really are. He makes an attempt to see me but not a real one. He makes a request I should say. He doesn't really follow through with it. He doesn't offer to come visit me. It's always about me going up there, which I can kind of understand. He's about to be remarried for the third time...he can't stand to be alone either I suppose. Boomer said something to me the other night that made me always cry. Cara was talking abotu this Mexico exchange that Mr. B was talking about and made a joke that she would stya with Kirie's grandparents. And Boomer said something like "ewww, I wouldn't want to stay with a bunch of dirty poor mexicans." And I said "well, actually, all my relatives down there are doctors and live on a big ranch..." and he cut me off saying "well, there not really your family, they're more like donors." Words can't describe how much that hurt. And the entire table went silent, and I focused on finishing my food and leaving. I don't want to think like that. I don't want to think my dad really isn't my dad, because I've been brought up to believe he is. Even though it's kind of a big lie it still gives me some kind of hope, something to believe in, to look to. Kind of like relgion, in my mind it's all a big lie but people still need it to feel strong and use as fuel to go on with. My dad told me today that I never had to beg for money or anything he was always willing to help me. I love him so much, and really miss him, but for some reason he just doesn't fit into my life. He's like the outlier on a box and wisker chart. He's there but he's not tallied into the answer. I want to be so much closer to him than I am. But it's kind of difficult when I always feel this awkward around him. I wish I was just alittle boy again, it was so much easier being little daniel lee then danny. He use to call me bucket. Why? I never really understood, I think buckethead is an old term for something. But I was always "the bucket" or little daniel lee. Never Danny. I'm just Danny now. Or Son. There's not really love in his voice, it's more like responsibility. What cna I talk to him about? I don't know. Maybe it'll come easier in a few years, once I Get to know him better. Until then I guess 15 thousand a year in child support will just have to suffice. I have more to go on and on about, but this is way too long already. You know? I have all these opportunities given to me, and all the support and everything like that in the world. But honestly, all I want is to speed down a tunnel listening to the perfect song waiting for the bright lights beyond. In essence, feeling infinite. I'm going to go. Danny. "If I feel okay Will you walk with me today? and if I feel alright will you stay with me tonight?" -The Central Standards 12:43 a.m. - 2003-12-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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