confusion247's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- a different kind of feeling I sat on the roof of my van for a few hours tonight. Just looking up at the stars. I've been kind of depressed lately. I don't really know why. I think it's just the time of the year. I can't explain it. This time of the year just makes me feel like something in my life is totally missing. And I guess it is. I started thinking about that girl again tonight. It was a year ago this week that we started dating. I'm sure she doens't remember that, but I do. I'm sure she doesn't care. But I do. I really miss her a lot. I just layed on my van and thought about her for about 2 hours tonight. I remembered walking into the Roxy and seeing her there. I remembered making duct tape belts at Nan's with her. I remembered driving around with her and just doing little things to piss her off, because I thought it was adorable when she would yell "Daniel! Stop it!" I loved that look on her face. It makes me smile everytime I think baout it. I remembered that way she wore that bandana in her hair and how I tried to convince her to keep her hair really short because I loved it. I loved everything about her. And I unfortunately still do. Why is she on my mind? Why can't I date anyone else? I guess because I feel like she was the only girl that I'll ever be happy with. I really think she is. I'm so in love, still. I just want to see her smile because of something *I* did again. I just want to know she loves me as much as I still love her. I cna't help crying. I can't. I just miss her so much, why did I have to fuck things up? One mistake can end everything in someones life. "As long as the feelings are there nothing else should matter." Not true. Everything else matters, and does. I hate happy memories because they're so hard to refill. I reread the perks last night. You don't understand what that does to a person. Memories flooded my head. Sitting outside the muse late at night next to Brandon and I remember him saying "you are exactly like Charley." Then he asked Jon and he said the same thing. So I read it two days later. Now every page in that book holds a different meaning for me. Memories of Nik, Rachel, Brandon, Patrick, Nan, even Amanda who never even talks to me anymore. The book itself gives me that terrible but great stomach feeling, remembering when Rachel gave it to me when I moved. It's the best gift I've ever received. Nothing will ever top it...this is so shallow, but my birthday was pretty dissapointing. I was expecting some killer homemade gifts from people, or a cd, or anything. I didn't get anything from anyone except for Nan. It's upsetting because I know that whenever someones birthday comes up most of the time people do something awesome for them. Like giving them glow in the dark stars to hang on there ceiling, or just writing them a letter, a jones soda, anything. But I guess I don't live up there anymore. So it doesn't so much matter, I'm just a visitor. Blah, what's wrong with me. I'm still thinking about her. I'm still having crazy memories. Running to Pizza Hut from the hospital when Nik was sick with Brandon and Matt. Where is Matt? I miss him too. I think all I want right now is someone to spend time with. My friends here are amazing, but it's not the same. I can't go on drives with them and stick my whole body out the window and scream. I can't go to taco bell with them and split a taco because we can't afford a full one. I can't go to Waffle House ass early in the morning, or go on a road trip to see a band that wound up not showing up. I can't do half of this shit. Or any of it. ::sigh:: it's no use trying to explain. Besides, I don't want people in Germantown feeling like I don't appreciate or want their friendship. They're amazing. It's just a different kind of feeling around them. Danny. 8:16 p.m. - 2003-11-11 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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