confusion247's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Nothing matters, therefore we don't. I will probably be referred to as being melodramatic, annoying, dramatic, and other such words for writing this entry. But this journal is for me, not for you, I'm not going around talking to people about this shit, I'm just puting my thoughts down. So everyone can fuck off if they don't like what I write. I go up to Clarksville, Brandon is an ass, Rachel is inconciderate, and Shelley just never cares. My three closest people. Great. I will go person by person: Brandon- My best friend since last summer. I've always looked up to him and thought of him as being the greatest person I know. I've always thought of him as a role model. You may concider me a posure for that, but I don't care, he waws just someone to look up to. Because he always seemed to have it all together. I use to come up to Clarksville from Memphis and he would run and hug me, and he would actually *want* to hang out with me whenever he could. He'd even call Nan's phone looking for me. We'd go on killer late night drives while listening to Ghost Man on Third as loud as possible. One night we almost died, it was amazing. Then we'd go drink some Boone's Farm at Barksdale and pretened to be Pirates. And it was the best friendship in the entire world. Now I go up there and he hugs me, and that's all. He doesn't talk to me, he doesn't show any signs of giving a damn, he doesn't talk to me on line any longer, I don't think he even looks at me in the eyes. He's so caught up in being a rockstar that he doesn't care about anyone else. Or maybe it's just that he doesn't care about me. Maybe I'm not smart enough, or not "deep" enough, or maybe it's just that I'm a guy and can't play a musical instrument, or maybe I'm just annoying, whatever it is, I feel I've either lost or am losing my best friend. "When I say best friends I mean true till death and nothing inbetween" I suppose I died. Rachel- Yeah, so my other best friend. I suppose the female version of Brandon. I would say they're my two best friends in the entire world. I'm crazy about her, she is the only one who can understand what I go through on a day to day bases. She loves me, I love her. We talk for hours late at night on the phone, I can tell her anything and vice versa. I'd kill myself for her. Do we ever see each other? No. Why? Well, either I fuck up and can't call her because my brother is a dumbass and I'm trying to get a hold of him, or she just doesn't want to. I won't see her again for a few monthes, she's going away to college, and next week when and if I come up (I have nothing in Clarksville anymore so why should I come back? Shelley said to me the other day that I just screw up her stable life because I come up and she has to alter her plans, I don't want anyone to be fucking inconvienced by me) she'll be out of town. So Saturday after I try calling her a thousand times I just go to her house where she is leaving. SHe hugs me and that's it. She wasn't doing crap that night, she was going to lay around and watch a movie. That was all. But she couldn't just go out with me for an hour or two and hang out concidering we won't see each other for a hell of a long time and we havne't in a long time. I love her to death and I just want to spend time with her, I admit the past two times it has been my fault in some way, but this time it was just rediculous. It's weird how with Rachel we talk but never see each other, and with Brandon we see each other but never talk. But them together and I have the greatest friend ever born into existence. I'm not mad at her or anything, because I know she's there for me of course, I'm just a bit frustrated and in a bad mood right now. Shelley- Supposed to be my girlfriend of 8 monthes. Yeah, not quite. We're not even actually going out right now, and last night when I told her I was fine with no labels she wouldn't even reassure me that she wasn't going to date anyone else. Why is that? Because she just assumes that I'm going to. That's bullshit. I fucked up once and because of that shethinks I'm going to cheat on her every mother fucking day and I'm of course ging to go out with every girl I see. I've had the opportunity but I've never taken it. And I never plan on it. I love her like no one else, but I can't tlak to her about anything without it ending up in a fight. I try talking to her about shit that I'm going through and somehow it just goes back to her again. I know she's there for me to talk to, bu tshe's not there to listen. She's not compassionate at all, sometimes I wonder if she's capable of an emotion other than pissed off and slightly angry. It's always one or the other, and I'm just a huge fuck up who never tries to make things better. Yeah, I never try to make things better because everytime I do you end up saying "what is this going to solve, why do you put yourself through this" I realize that you don't care abotu me anywhere near as much as I care about you, but you could at least pretend. Tell me you are sometime. And whenever I point out that I never know if you care or not you don't even say you do. What the fuck. Obviously the feelings aren't there. I don't even know if I'm going to be allowed to say we've been together 9 monthes next month. I wouldn't try so hard to stay with you if I was going to fuck it up again. Dumbass. You are the main reason that I'm alive right now. I may have physically cheated on you, but at least I never went out with someone else. You and Zach. Dating for a fucking week. You kiss the day that I come back and then end everything. I wish you'd kiss me more often. That'd be great. you confuse the hell out of me, and you don't care. You dont' want to make us better. You make up excuses to not be with me because you don't really want to. "I'd kill myself to live again as a scare upon your wrist," but you don't care. There, I've now done a psychoanalysis on the three people I concider myself closest to. It may all be incorrect, but that's how I feel right now. I doubt that I hurt anyones feelings because no one really cares to begin with, and by tomorrow you'll forget all about it. Because that's how it is. I live 3 hours away, so I dont' matter and you don't care. It's not like anyone even calls me, with the exception of Shelley every now and then when I ask her to call me back. I e-mail Rachel and she doesn't reply. I try to call Brandon but he's always "busy" and Shelley just hates me. I realize that all of this is my fault as well. I think if I died on Tuesday everyone would be over it by Thursday. Does anyone remember going to the Pickle Wig, or the asian food mart, or walking on the railroad tracks to the brick place, or driving to glassgow for jones soda, or playing withe kites at the fairgrounds, or walking up and down the riverwalk, or playing at barksdale, or watching movies, or going to shows, or any of the other billion amazing memories I have with all of you. I wish I could have more of these, but I guess times change, and so do people. People go off to college, people become better musicians, and girls just stop caring. That's sort of how life is full of changes. When I was moved I was given the advice by my friend Patrick to never change, grow, but never change. It seems like I'm the only one who he gave that advice to, because everyone in Clarksville has changed. I may be different, but I haven't completely changed. Then again, I suppose friends and family and feelings don't really matter. There is no point to life. I mean I'm only a fucking pebble in a gravel driveway. That's all that I am in life, a miniscule unimportant part. There's no point to living because we only last less than a blink of an eye. If I were dead it wouldn't matter. It's just one more life. Death isn't a big deal. Suicide isn't a big deal. Homocide isn't a big deal. We make such a big deal out of so much in life, when really none of it matters. Nothing does. We're just a bunch of lemings in society. From the day we're born we're told how to live and how to think. Things never change even if we think they do. We aren't original, we aren't unique, we just are. That's the best you can do, is nothing. There is nothign to do. We *are* nothing. Nothing matters, therefore we don't. Daniel Lee Gomez. (Not the first one to have this name) 2:25 p.m. - 2003-07-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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