confusion247's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- a beautiful girl underneath I need your arms around me I need to feel your touch I need your understanding I need your love, so much You tell me that you love me so You tell me that you care But when I need you (baby) Baby, (you're never there) On the phone long, long distance Always through such strong resistance First you say you're too busy I wonder if you even miss me Never there You're never there You're never ever, ever, ever, there Never there You're never there You're never ever, ever, ever, there A golden bird that flies away A candle's fickle flame To think I held you yesterday Your love was just a game A golden bird that flies away A candle's fickle flame To think I held you yesterday Your love was just a game You tell me that you love me so You tell me that you care But when I need you (baby) Baby! Take the time to get to know me If you want me why can't you just show me We're always on this roller coaster If you want me why can't you get closer ~~~~~~~~ you're never there, never ever there. And you never were. You told me that you were there for me, no wait, no you didn't. I just assumed it. I guess that wasn't it. Everything was always all about you. I was just there. Everything had to be about you. I did everything for you. I sacrificed my entire life in Germantown to see you. My grades dropped for you. I wasted gas because of you. I wasted 8 monthes of my life. I'm in love with you...I don't know why. I wish I wasn't. I wish I didn't know you anymore. We're just a rollercoaster with big ups and then really big downs. I don't understand why this had to come down to this. But maybe it is for the best. Sure, I'm depressed as hell, and you're all that's on my mind again, but it was pointed out to me that no matter what I ever did it was never enough for you. I was never enough for you. Go back to Zach, or that fucking GI. I don't care anymore. Give every guy your number. I bet they won't put up with this shit as long as I did. Everyone told me I was crazy for staying with you, and for being in love with you, and for always defending you, and I Was called dumb for thinking I could somewhat change you into a happier person. There is a beautiful person underneath all your hatred and distrust. You're the most beautiful person I ever knew. I still can't imagine being with anyone else right now...My heart is aching. It seems like the only reason you wanted to get back together was just to crush me. You succeeded. "I love you" is forever. Maybe that's why you didn't believe in it. You don't believe in forever. You don't believe in living. You don't believe in all the things that make this disgusting planet of ours beautiful. You brought me so far down, but so far up at the same time...I wish I didn't have this hurt. I wish my heart didn't feel like it was exploding. I wish I didn't have to put on a face today at school and act like everything was okay. I wish I wasn't such a fuck up. I went into the car after you told me "You can't love someon you can't trust" and I cried to Meghann for thirty minutes. And she told me: There was nothing else you could do. You called all the time, you gave up everything in Germantown. You bought her fucking paintings, you devoted your life to her. You gave up things for her, Danny, I'm sorry, but nothing you will or would ever do was good enough for her.- and she was so fucking right. I'm nothing, nothing to you anyway. I don't like to "toot my own horn" I'm not a vain person. But I have been told by many that I'm a great person. You're the only person who couldn't look inside of me and see something else. I thought you were supposed to be the only one able tos ee the real me. Maybe not...I want to die. You have the power to make me want to die. You always said that you disagreed with me when I said the reason for living is because of other people. This just proves it. Every emotion I have ever felt has been caused by someone else. This is a worst pain than anything I've ever felt. I feel like someone I really love just died. Which I suppose is how it is. I probably won't ever see you again if that's how you want it. The last time I was this depressed was when my grandma died. I think the person I loved died a long time ago. I wish you could just look at the good in life, because you really are such a beautiful person...god, I love you so much, and I can actually say that and mean it. Why did you have to come back into my life. I was starting to be okay with us being over, and then you have to e-mail me, make me happy, you had to fill that giant fucking gap in my body that you left. You had to come back. You had to take me back. And then after that, my feelings intensified about ten times as much. And then you drop me. I can't remember ever feeling like this before...I'm sure you're hurt more. And I know I cheated on you once, and I wish everyday I live that it hadn't happened. But it did, and if it such a problem then why'd you take me back? If long distance is so bad then why'd it last for fucking 8 monthes. I wish I could just call you and talk to you. Then again we never really talked. It occured to me yesterday that I don't know anything about you. I don't even know if you believe in god. I don't know what elementary school you went to, I don't know why you want to be a director, I don't know shit about you. You could probably right a book on all the things you know about me. I wish I hadn't opened up to you, because like you always said "everything will come bac kto bite you in the ass" and I'm sure that's what will happen. Everytime I ever tried to talk to you, I was just dismissed with "What is this going to solve" well, nothing if you don't want it to. I think it would have hurt less had you walked up to me, reached in my chest, pulled out my heart and threw it in a blender...luckily though, I am an actor. And I can put on a face. And I can pretend that I'm doing great in public, around friends, ect. Then I cane come home and form new scars, and cry myself to sleep. Then I can come home and make myself into what you viewed me as. Nothing, a piece of shit that you didn't care about. So who's the other guy you're singing? Did Zach finally get you? What's going on. It's odd that we're great until a day ago and it's all of a sudden "this isn't going to work"...why didn't you just dump me. Save me the embarassment of crying my eyes out in front of my friends, save me the arguments...even with all of that I can't stop thinking about the first time I saw you, and I cna't stop thinking about dunbar cave, and, god, I love you so much...why do I have to love *you*. Why? You're my exact opposite. Why do I have to be in love with the one person who hates me. I hope you ccome down to Memphis and kill me sometime soon. That'd be great. It's not like you ever called with the exception of ONCE....ONCE in 8 monthes. In the words of TBS "you could slit my throat, and with my one last gasping breath, I'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt"....I guess that's just saying that no matter what you continually put me through, and no matter how shitty you make me feel, I will still care abotu you above myself, not matter what you do. You really could come down here and shoot me, and with my one last breaths I would tell you how much I love you, and apologize more. I may have put you through a huge dramatic, upsetting thing. But I only did it once. You put my through this same old stuff for 6 monthes. You spent 6 monthes telling me how dumb I am, and how I'm a total fuck, and arguing and talking about how no matter what I did, it was never enough. Ever. You wanted control over me, and unfortunately you had it. You were able to control what I took, what I ate, what I drank. You could control everything about me. I based my fucking summer around you. How does it now feel to know that you have no controled my future in dating, I don't ever want to date again because of you. Does it feel good to have that much control now? I hope it does. 6 monthes were spent with my feeling down about myself. I think I now have the lowest self esteem I've ever had because of you. You never told me if you liked me even. You never even told me that you enjoyed being with me...you never even told me you cared about me. You never made me feel good about myself at all. You made me feel so terrible...::sigh::...I hope one day you realize that I wasn't the big fuck up you thought I was. And I hope one day you realize that we really were in love, and I hope you miss me. And I hope you come back or start e-mailing me again...I miss you already. I love you more that you can understand...Maybe I'm being too harsh, or maybe I'm not being harsh enough, I don't want to hurt you, and I doubt you'll ever even read this, I just wish I could say all of this, and then at the ned say "please be willing to fix things, you're beautiful, I love you" and then I would kiss you...oh yeah, that reminds me, I finally got my piercing, maybe now you will kiss me? No probably not, you never wanted to touch me, was I really THAT ugly?...::sigh:: I suppose so....I'm going to go listen to TBS and DC, if you ever hear any of them, I want you to know that every song they're singing is how I'm feeling right now. I'm not angry, I'm just so fucking depressed..if I'm dead tomorrow, rejoice. love no longer exists, Danny 2:28 p.m. - 2003-07-21 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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